| eclectic |
[23 May 2002|02:08am] |
im going to myrtle beach Friday to help a friend of mine move into his new half million dollar condo. i think i can handle that.
this will be the first time ive been back to the beach since my miserably failed attempt at moving in with ric in February. i hadnt seen or spoken to him since then, until he surprisingly popped into town last weekend and went out to the club with brian and i. i had held the whole situation against him, even though it wasn't all his fault. he actually re-invited me to come down and live the summer with him, and i almost burst out laughing. did he not remember what a nightmare last time was? or maybe the nightmare was only on my end. he promised things would be different. i would have my privacy this time. he had kicked his other two roommates out, so i'd have my own room now. but that wasn't the problem. ric is emotionally unstable, almost to the point of being bipolar, and i cant handle having the mood of the house shift completely at any given moment, and for no reason whatsoever. he can go from one emotional extreme to another in a matter of minutes, and i would never consider living with him again. he seemed a mix of shocked and hurt when i declined, like he thought i had been doing nothing but sitting around and waiting for him to ask since i returned home in march.
after all, the sole purpose of the beach move was to distract and entertain me until my best friend returned from england, which is now due to happen in just six short weeks. the days have literally flown by since i started with cpu in late march, much to my relief, and ive been forced to make new acquaintances/friends in emilys absence, which is is probably a healthy thing. i am counting the days until she returns, however, and i can hardly believe that she, keith, and i are going to have our own place by mid august. the bond that the two of us share is undescribable, and we were practically inseparable since the day i met her, until she took off across the ocean for her semester abroad, and still we constantly email and talk on the tele. she fills the void i have for a boyfriend, and those are some big ass shoes to fill.
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| the deal with this guy |
[21 May 2002|01:00am] |
maybe i should elaborate on the boy from buckle. so i was at the mall earlier this evening and was passing by the store, as i usually do because buckle is so not my style, when i see this really hot guy inside. so, of course, i do a 360 and go in. i stay in the store for ten, maybe fifteen minutes, as we play glance tag while i pretend to be looking at shit. he really should have got the clue.. i dress so much better than that place haha.
disclaimer: for those of you who shop at buckle, this was merely an attempt at humor. it is a fine establishment and sells quality merchandise or something.
so we do more of the checking each other out while the other person is acting like they dont notice thing. he's 5'10" or so, with sexy blondish brown semi curly gelled up hair much like ryan phillipe. he may still be in high school.. hes definitely around 18 years old. unfortunately we were both to shy to speak, and after what seemed like hours, i decide to leave the store, not being able to fake interest in the clothes there any longer. as im leaving, i swing back around to see if hes looking, and he quickly turns back around to whatever he was pretending to be doing when he saw i was leaving. it was like something out of the movies.
not sure what to do from here though. i dont approach people, so i may try going back in the store later on this week and see if he tries to strike up a conversation or whatever. or maybe i'll have this girl i know that works at the mall see if she can find out what his story is. ah. crushes are so damn stupid. its fifth grade all over again. maybe i should just pass him a note that says 'check yes, no, or maybe'.
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| random thoughts |
[20 May 2002|09:53pm] |
im in love with the boy that works at buckle. ive never been more attracted to anyone in my life. ever.
someone must have slipped rufies in the coffee at work today. i was on a fabulous high all day long.
im in a great mood for someone who hasnt masturbated in the past twenty four hours.
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| burnout |
[19 May 2002|04:05am] |
it hit me, as i was standing amidst the crowd
looking around
for new faces that didnt exist
i know all of these people, and dislike most of them with a passion
i think im burnt out on clubs
or maybe just this one in particular
i think i would have stopped going a long time ago
if it werent for brian and i's pre-club drunkfest that has become a tradition
and something i look forward to throughout the work week
so i wont be back there for a long while
the beach next weekend, and charlotte the one after that
going out in asheville has lost its spice
my mom and i have actually been doing things together lately
going out to eat and such
i used to be terrified of being out in public with her
because theres always that chance we would run into someone i knew from the club
but i dont worry about it so much anymore
or at all, really
in fact, when we go to the beach next month
we're staying with a friend of mine who 'just happens to be gay'
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| bing bang boom |
[13 May 2002|09:38pm] |
my good friend marsha, who just happens to be a lesbian, called me out of the blue today. she and her girlfriend want to have a baby and are looking for a 'sperm donor' to have a godfather like relationship with the kid. no financial responsibility whatsoever. anyway, it appears i am tops on the list.
it all sounds ridiculous.
it all sounds intriguing.
heres my chance to have a kid of my own, that i can see whenever i want, without having any actual responsibility to. may be the only bite at the apple i get. i told her i'd think hard about it.
just to clarify, 'sperm donor' in the sterilized tube type of way, not the clitoris type of way.
now for an abridged account of the past.. however the hell long it has been since i've wrote anything.
started dating boy i had met on gay.com, after he confessed that he was falling for me, and that he had lied about his name and the school he went to because he is closeted to a fault. this was last week sometime, and i doubt we will still be in dating status this time next week. two days after he asked me out, his classes ended and he moved back with his dad in tennessee, around an hour from here. failed to mention he was planning to do this until i had already said yes to him. so now we're not seeing so much of each other, except for online, and i dont need an internet boyfriend. he's not very good at the dating thing anyway... even worse than i am, if there is such a creature.
and just as i'm about to let those word slip off my tongue
i'm sorry, but.. whatever this is.. it's not going to work
he says or does something adorable
and my rationale goes back into its dark cave
but this limbo phase cant last much longer
it was great for a week
i would look forward to getting off work so we could go out
but in steps distance
distance involves making plans
and appointments
like a visit to the dentists office
no spontananity
who needs that
anyway, that wasnt very abbreviated at all, so i'll just end it here.
i'm sure there will be more worth mentioning later on.
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| i'll be naive if you like it that way |
[28 Apr 2002|09:08pm] |
i play dumb white boy when we go out of town. spot the cute boy working at the local a&f or banana or whatever. hes looking. im looking. i tell him we're from out of town and ask him if there are any good clubs around here.
"what kind of club are you looking for?", he'll probably ask, a half smile slipping out of the corner of his mouth.
"just.. you know.. someplace i can dance and have some fun", i'll probably answer, not wanting to be too revealing.
heres his chance to show what hes playing. he usually does. rattles off a couple gay clubs (not mentioning that they are gay, of course) and then says something like "i usually go to ______ (insert name of some gay bar here), you should check it out."
and this is why you always go shopping before a night out on the town in a strange city.. even if you've been there a hundred times before.
on a side note, apparently i am a kids size large at abercrombie. damn girl.
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| are you satisfied, libido? |
[26 Apr 2002|09:00pm] |
it was late
10:30 or so
when i had nothing better to do
than journey onto gay.com
for the first time in many moons
i wasnt in the mood to put forth any effort
so i entered the chat area
and went back to watching tv
not knowing that my night was about to change drastically
it was commercial break
when i looked over at my computer
to see that familiar green box
shoot up on my screen
a boy had messaged me
we started talking
everything about it seemed shady
everything about him sounded hot
he asked me to meet him
just to hang out
we hadnt exchanged pics
i knew nothing about him
but his stats
meeting up with this kid wouldn't be a good idea
i thought, as i drove over to the books-a-million parking lot
im too trusting sometimes
i thought, as i tapped my fingers on the steering wheel
waiting well past the time we had agreed on
i was just about to leave
when he pulled up
and i was very surprised
to see that he was just as i would have imagined him to be
if i had not have been dissapointed so many times before
his dorm was out
damn roomate
my house was out
damn family
at times like this
it would be really nice to have a key
to an abandoned house
which i just happened to have
we talked
hes funny
hes interesting
hes got his hand on my leg
we kissed
we fucking made out
for two hours
my lips are still sore
we got off
it was hot
i needed it more than i can put into words
maybe now those 'ally mcbeal' like delusions will stop
and then it was over
he had to be at school
i had to be at work
and what had started as a hookup
ended with a connection
because just sometimes
bad intentions
pave the road to happiness
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| the here and now |
[23 Apr 2002|01:16am] |
its almost like a microwave dinner
existing only because its convienent
maybe i want something else
but this will just have to do
because its easy
decisions are easier
when you dont have to think about the future
who cares if he has no personality
does it matter if he knows how to make me laugh
when all i want to do is fuck
this will be satisfying
temporairly
like trying to subdue your appetite with a cracker
when you were craving a steak
but this will all be over tomorrow
the lust fades
and the hunger just grows deeper
from the inside
i used to wonder why it all played out
like a game of musical chairs
no one wants to be the one left standing
without someone to cling to
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| dont look behind |
[19 Apr 2002|11:07pm] |
i spent fourty five minutes using internet people searches to try and locate an email address or phone number on a boy that i had went out with a few times nearly two years ago. i was exstatic when i found two email addresses and an icq page for him. i wrote him and sent it to all three addresses, and went to bed smiling. this morning i woke up with much the same anticpation i used to have on christmas morning as a kid. how silly. i signed on. i had mail. two emails. two returned emails. user unknown. service unavailable. my stomach dropped. i spent alot of today in a funk because of that. not devistated, or crushed, but just sad that i had lost touch with yet another person from the past.
and then i realized something. something that made me feel better instantly. the past is not the place to look for answers for the future. theres no need to dwell on anyone. if i had liked him that much, he wouldnt be my past.
i only feel lonely when i have time to think about it. right before i go to bed. sobering up on a saturday night at the club. thats when it happens. usually friends are more than enough companionship. relationships are exhausting. but there are moments when i think about coming home and curling up with the boyfriend i dont have and falling asleep with something other than a pillow in my arms. the feeling always passes by morning.
what if love was just a mirage that dissappeared as you were about to embrace it.
and here i am in the sahara.
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| the way it never was |
[15 Apr 2002|10:29pm] |
i remember the first night we met. you waited until i walked away to ask emily if i was available. she said i wasnt. you pursued anyway. i always liked that about you. i bet you didnt know that i intentionally dropped emily and benjamin off at the college before i took you back to your car just so i could have a few minutes alone with you. or maybe you did.
i've always enjoyed spending time with you. i'll miss those nights at mix, and i'll miss those nights you came down just to watch a movie with me even more. sometimes i wish i had given us a chance to be more, and its unfortunate it took you moving across the state to make me realize this. i know what you were thinking saturday night, and thats why i pretended not to. you're going to be gone in a month, and im not going to let myself become anymore attached. besides, you're seeing someone.
maybe you wish i would let myself be naive, but im not up for a long distance relationship. you'll visit. i'll visit. we'll have many more saturday nights.
so dont be surprised if you find this note in your back pocket. or maybe i'll stash it in your overnight bag while youre not looking. i'd never say any of this in person. its way too sappy for me.
but most likely, you'll never get the opportunity to read this.
sometimes i wish we'd never met. thats the biggest compliment i could ever give you.
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| and then it happened |
[14 Apr 2002|01:33pm] |
trying to avoid all appearances that this was a date
but everyone assumed we were together anyway
like they always did.
we had done this before
many times
but under opposite circumstances
now i'm the single one
and he's the one supposedly involved.
we met a cute lesbian couple there
one had only recently 'found herself'
and wanted to introduce me to her 16 year old son
who came out before she did.
chris and i lose our buzz midway through the drag show
and are ready to leave
he asks if he can spend the night with me
we stay with a friend of mine
to avoid the awkwardness of bringing him back to my house.
we laid there
looking at each other
touching
became fondling
became tonguing.
we werent going to, but we did
hormones outweighed reason
and it was so intense
the neighbors smoked a cigarrette afterwards.
damn i hate boys.
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| bi bi bi |
[08 Apr 2002|09:31pm] |
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i've been asked out by two gorgeous girls since i started work a couple weeks ago. unfortunately i dont encounter any gorgeous guys during a normal day... most likely because there are none in this godforsaken city. i may have to start dating females out of convenience.
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| tequila sunrise |
[07 Apr 2002|07:45pm] |
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i woke up on jacks living room floor naked and still quite inebriated, in that nauseating, dizzy type of way. the night had been a drunken blur and trying to remember any of it was an exercise in futility. isn't it great when your friends have to tell YOU what you did (or who you were doing it with) after the club, which, without going into a huge amount of detail, was nothing you'd ever see on cable tele. but, based on the accounts i've heard, a good time was had by all, including the two boys i brought home last night.
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| victoria's secrets |
[02 Apr 2002|02:52am] |
ok so one of the clients i work for is principal secret's skincare line, owned by victoria principal. until today i considered her to be a seemingly timid, fake the smile so people will buy my shit type of woman, having suffered through her horribly acted infomericial in training. today i was given a copy of her book, which has her ugly mug on the cover (seeing her face gets really old, really fast). i flipped through it and saw it consisted of nothing more than healthy living tips, recipies, and the likes.
josh: "kim, i dont want her fucking book..."
kim: "just turn to page 237."
josh: "why? theres nothing you could say that would make me want to read... errr... mmm... damn.."
apparently victoria decided to get a bit risque with a section detailing tips to a more pleasureable sex life. everything from her favorite role playing senarios to tantric sex, and even a section about how she used to fake orgasms before she discovered how to really enjoy sex. i nearly fell out of my chair. now i know why she's smiling in all those damn infomercials.
now if i can just find some of that 'egyptian magic' butter.
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| note to self |
[30 Mar 2002|02:38am] |
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just because someone seems mildly interesting at work does not mean they will be any fun whatsoever outside the office.
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| work it |
[29 Mar 2002|10:02pm] |
my first week of work went off without a hitch. in fact, i love it there. i spent the first half of today interviewing prospective csr's (including the cute boy), and then after a nice long lunch at garfields with kim, the lady who's been training me, i took over as floor supervisor and spent the remainder of the evening explaining policies to irate customers that i did not understand myself.
in approximately an hour and a half, i'll be drunk and dacing my ass off. thank god.
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| its good to be in charge |
[27 Mar 2002|11:56pm] |
*cute boy walks by*
me: who was that?
hr assistant linda: some boy. he just dropped off an application.
me: for which client?
hr assistant linda: he didnt specify.
me: schedule him an interview with me tomorrow afternoon.
hr assistant linda: *smirks* ok.
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| a day in the life of chaos |
[25 Mar 2002|09:12pm] |
pounding on the door. pounding on my window.
someone was breaking in. i shot them.
the phone rang. this had all been a dream. but the pounding continued.
"hello?" it was mom. "tim has been trying to wake you up for the past half hour", she says.
"let him in and tell him i left his mail on the counter. make sure he doesnt take anything out of the house."
"ok."
oh. i start work today. damn.
shave. shower. masturbate. dress. pop-tart. to go cup of baileys & coffee. out the door.
so this is life.
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